A year ago, I was 35 weeks pregnant.
I was also newly single, having left my fiance in September. Teagan and I had just settled into our new apartment. I had the few belongings I took with us already put away, and even though it was empty in our little apartment, Teagan's smile and our love for each other made it home. It was the first time I had been completely on my own, living with no other adults.
And I was scared.
I was scared because although I was employed at the time, I knew that I wouldn't be once the baby I was carrying was born. After my 12 week maternity leave, I couldn't imagine having to leave my infant in someone else's care. Yet I prepared myself for that possibility and resolved to just face it when it came.
I was scared because I knew this change of plans had the potential to interfere with how I dreamed of birthing this precious life inside me.... Negative energy, as any good midwife knows, can interfere dramatically with the birthing process. I wanted to have a peaceful, intimate, loving birth with just me and my fiance. The other half, my fiance, was making it clear that he was not with that program. Fear flitted through my mind daily... what would happen if I needed him and he didn't step up? What if I end up birthing this baby all alone? What kind of connection would he have with this beautiful soul that he made with me if he was already distancing from us?
I was scared because I knew the circumstances would also interfere in what kind of mother I was and wanted to be. Was what I was leaving bad enough that I would choose to be a single parent... compromising my ideals, my dreams.. opening myself and my children up to the pain of their father possibly not being an active part of their lives? Basically, was more damage being done by staying? Or leaving?
I was scared because I was going to be raising two children on my own. As an AP mother, I wondered how being single would affect my ideals. Going back to work was just one issue to face.. what about the plain ol' logistics of taking care of two small people when I'm just one me? And never having a moment where I can just step away and breathe? How was I going to read stories while nursing and making dinner? How was I going to be able to give enough attention... full, heartfelt, willing attention while being spread so thin? My babies deserved better than that... Teagan got my full attention.. we communicated, she rarely cried, I didn't *need* to put her down.. she was held whenever she wanted for however long she wanted. She used her energy to grow, learn, love, and be happy. How would this change affect my future relationship with this active little baby inside of me? Would she be able to have what Teagan and I had and have?
And I was scared that the fiance I was leaving no longer loved me. I left because I wanted our relationship to survive. I left as the final warning... that what was happening in our relationship was not ok.... was not healthy for Teagan or this new baby to grow in. I hoped against hope that he would understand that I was offering him his last chance. And that I was finally relinquishing the control I thought I had and allowing him to make his own decision. To change, or not.
And I was deathly afraid the answer would be "Not".
How would I live without him? My soulmate... the father of my beautiful babies. How would Teagan live without her Daddoo? What if this baby never gets to know who "Daddoo" is?
And then I was scared of the little things... how I was going to afford things like pads, birthing supplies, sheets, a bed, a vehicle (that may have been a big thing), diapers (cloth or otherwise), baby wash, baby clothes, clothes for Teagan, winter wear, my bills. How I was going to recover from birth taking care of babies by myself? How I was going to grocery shop... or shower?
The little things were what tipped the scale for me. I seem to be able to handle numerous big things at once, but it is the little, everyday worries that finally broke the camel's back. Sometimes you get to the point of wondering if anything will ever go right. And if someone up there is actually listening.
Now, I don't pretend to be religious. Sometimes I wonder if I even believe in God at all. But I do believe in angels. And I am lucky enough to be blessed with knowing them.
At one of my darkest moments, I wrote to my online breastfeeding group, Milkdrunk. They knew of the struggles I was facing before this writing, and always offered up their wisdom and encouragement to me, reminding me that I *was* worthy of love, worthy of respect, worthy of friendship, worthy of kindness. And that was the greatest gift a girl could ever ask for... they were a ray of sunshine through the gray mist and darkness I was living in at the time. And that would have been more than enough.. more than anyone could hope for.
But they did more.
They asked me for a list. What do you need? they asked. And I told them the few things that I really NEEDED and just simply couldn't afford... pads for postpartum, diapers for baby, clothes for the girls.
And then the packages started coming. Clothes... so many clothes! And beautiful cloth diapers and covers... prefolds, fitteds, pockets, you name it! And slings and carriers. And money. And love notes with their beautiful handwriting lifting me up. They sent reiki, prayers, positive thoughts, love.
Lots and lots of love.
I still ask some of the questions that begin with "How will I...."
But because of you ladies, I will always know that no matter what challenges I face.. no matter how dark it gets.. no matter what...
I have angels with me.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
You gave me the breath I needed... to recenter myself, to focus on the most important task at the time... birthing my baby.
And I did just that. Lovingly, intimately... unassisted on my bedroom floor.
I've figured out how to live without working for now. My daughters have their mommy full-time. We sacrifice a lot of material things... but in the end it doesn't matter. The relationships that are being built in our little family are well worth it times infinity.
I've figured out how to be parent enough for my girls. I wish it wasn't that way.... that I wasn't just *enough*. I wish I could be two parents. And then I wish I didn't have that wish... that instead my wish was that their father would come back and be the incredible father I know he can be. But only for a second do these thoughts come. Because he didn't change and he won't. And I'm not scared to be without him anymore. And I now know the decision I made then was the right one.
I'm not always where I want to be as a parent. I yell more than I'd like, and I've swatted a butt a time or two. AP parenting philosophy calls for balance... and I'm not sure if balance is possible for a single parent while still maintaining the AP mindset. Or perhaps "balance" needs to be redefined and I haven't gotten there yet. Either way, as I parent, I am a work in progress. And our house is filled with love.
Lots and lots of love.
