They were pissed-off tears

I had my oncology appointment today. The doc came in, sat down, went over a bit of my healthy history, and said "Your thymus is fine. It isn't cancerous. You don't have thymoma or lymphoma from what I can see".

Which is great! Ok! My thymus growing is nothing to worry about... just a benign thing that happens sometimes. Awesome.

However, I still feel like shit. And I tell him so. And he asks me a few more questions and tells me what tests he'd like to run. Except that all the ones he mentions have already been done. So he throws up his hands and says "I've got nothing then. If you go to another doc, they'll tell you chronic fatigue or fibromyalgia. But I think you are perfectly healthy."

Yup. I'm the f-ing picture of health. I can't exercise because my energy levels completely crash afterwards. For days afterwards, I struggle to take a shower and make my kids meals. I am also a 23 year old that has a hard time walking up and down her stairs because of how bad her joints hurt. I physically can't keep up, and I run on sheer willpower 80-90% of the time. I have obvious, embarrassing hormone issues.

Yes, I'm perfectly healthy. For a 90 year old.

I argue this point with him for a minute, and realize, as he becomes condescending and looks like he wants to pat me on the head, that my voice is once again going unheard.

And then the tears came. The pissed-off ones that burn all the way down your face? Yeah, those. And I squeeze my eyes shut and will the tears away. I WILL NOT cry in front of this ass. That's all I need.


I let him finish his babbling and resist the urge to trip him and strangle him with his stethoscope. 'Cuz I'd rather not be put in prison in my current condition. And that was the only reason I could come up with at the time.

I came home and of course called H, A, and K. Heh. HAK.Oh, they'll love this ;)
What would I do without them? They are the greatest friends that anyone could hope for. They believe me, sympathize, offer support, love, and tears. But mostly, they believe me when I say I am sick. And that is, oddly, one of the most wonderful gifts they have given me. Because I AM physically sick. I am. And nothing is worse than the people I love and the people I need to help me figure this out throwing words like "depression" at me.

THIS IS NOT IN MY HEAD. My head is fine. It is in a good place. Really. So the next time you start to even THINK depression.. please stop. Please. I've been there, done that. I KNOW what depression is. It sucks, possibly even sucks as bad as this. But THIS doesn't = depression. K? K.

***brief interlude while that sinks in. Real deep.Keep letting it sink in... Deep enough now? Good***

Now that we've got THAT cleared up...
So I make myself a new appointment with Dr.STD (heh, Small Town Doc) for next Tuesday. Please pray for some answers!

Teagan's first day of school!

Teagan had her first day of school today. I was super nervous about it, and talked to Teagan about school a lot in the last couple of weeks. We talked about what she would do at school, who her teacher was, what kids would be there, and that mommy wouldn't be staying with her. She always seemed very cool with that fact, but I wasn't so sure how she'd react when the time would come.

So last night, I put the girls to bed at 7:45pm and they were sleeping by 8pm. And I cleaned and prepared for the morning until about 11pm. I could have went to bed earlier, but I just a ball of nerves. I did my routines (Flylady.com rocks my world), and had everything set up for an easy morning.

At midnight, Ever woke up fussing. And she stayed awake nursing, climbing on me, screaming and pinching me (because she wanted me to get up), and babbling until about 5:30am or so. I got NO sleep, and thought that it was going to throw a huge wrench in the whole day.

But I got my butt up out of bed at 6:45am, got dressed, curled my hair, put some makeup on, changed Ever's diaper, and made breakfast. Teagan woke up and the girls ate while I threw laundry in, put the dry dishes away, and cleaned up the breakfast mess. Then I cleaned the girls up, put Teagan's hair up, and got them dressed with the clothes I laid out the night before.

And I got all of this done easily in less than an hour! I was so freaking proud of myself, you just don't even know LOL.

I grabbed my bag, my list, and Teagan's backpack and we were out the door. On time. No, better than on time. EARLY.

I'm pretty sure that's a first for me.

We got to the school with Teagan about squealing in her carseat. I took her to her classroom, and Teagan found her cubby (all by herself!). She hung up her coat and her backpack all nice and neat, and we headed to their bathroom to wash her hands (Mrs.Y's rule, which I appreciate). We found her nametag, and put it on her shirt (which she loved so much!). A little girl who was also there early was a bit upset that her mom was leaving, and Teagan was so sweet to her. She told her "It's ok, she's comin' wight back, it's ok", took her by the hand, and they went to play with the toys. I told Teagan I was leaving then, and she came and gave me a kiss and a squish (what she calls a hug) and said "Ellalee stay here?". "No, Everleigh is coming home with mommy." And with that, she gave her "Ellalee" a kiss and a squish and ran off, yelling "I love you more!" as she went.

And then I teared up... just a bit. My little girl.... so secure and wonderful and happy. Ready for the world! I hung out outside the door for just a bit before heading to the car again. She was happy to stay with Mrs. "Hung" (I laughed so freaking hard when she repeated Mrs.Young's name to me!) and the kids, as she likes to call them lol.

When I came to pick her up, she gave me her big grin and said "HI MOMMY!" and then "I WASHED MY HANDS!"... "Oh wow!... That's so awesome Teagan!" I said with a grin to rival hers.
Apparently that's all they do in preschool these days.

In the car she told me she colored and played with the kids and had milk too. Phew. At least they aren't teaching my kid to be a germ freak ;).

The beauty of my children

Teagan, Ever, and I went to my mom's best friend's campsite today. It was so beautiful there.. peaceful, relaxing, and open so the kids could run around and play. I took the time to just BE with my girls today. I really need to do that more often. I have so many things going on with my life all the time that I forget to just enjoy the now.

So here are some observations I made today while just being;
Teagan is so much more intelligent than I sometimes realize. She may not talk as well as some of her peers, but she is so amazing in how she sees things. She is very abstract and open in her observations.. it gives me such a rare, beautiful look into her world when I can just be with her and try to see what she sees.  She loves the way the lake looks when it is still and reflects the sky. She sees letters in the clouds, and asked me where the stars were today when we laid under the sky during the late afternoon. We talked about the different leaves she found, and I loved giving her the names of the different kinds she collected. Teagan is so good at athletic-types of things, too. She quickly learned how to balance a birdie on a paddle just right so she could throw it up and hit it to me. Her look of pride and wonder made me tear up, and I had to give her kisses and squishes to show her how wonderful she is to me.
Teagan sang to the fish she was trying to catch today, too. She loves catching her tiny sunnies and throwing them back. She calls to them too, saying "Here  fishy! C'mere!" in her little sing-song voice that I love so much!
I also noticed that Ever's eyes are the same color as the deep blue of the sky when the sun is creeping towards sunset. They are so peaceful and beautiful, dancing with laughter and wisdom.

Teagan's are a different shade of blue... more like the clear crisp blue of the morning hours, or like a blue hydrangea. Her eyes also dance with laughter, but while Teagan's eyes make me tear up with deep love and tenderness, Ever's cause me to smile and feel the joyful, exuberant side of love. I love looking into their eyes... trying to imagine what they see, what they experience, what they know. They are what makes me strive to be the best mommy I can be... the best person I can be. I want to give them the world, show them love beyond words, and just BE with them.

Ever loves people. She loves watching them, copying them, and being with them. She especially loves my mom and Teagan. Teagan and Ever are two peas in a pod... they are so sweet with one another, and you can just see the love in their eyes when they look at one another. Teagan always greets Ever with a "Hi baby!! Whatchyou doing? Were you seepin' nice?" whenever Everleigh wakes up, and Ever returns the greeting with a huge smile, no matter how crabby, tired, or unimpressed she is with me. Everleigh is also a screamer, and before today I've viewed it as a very loud and difficult habit of hers. But now, I understand that she is just SUPER outspoken, and her screams aren't her being "naughty". She already has strong opinions, and I realized today that I absolutely love that about her! I hope I can have lots of patience with her from now on, and encourage her to express herself without the "naughty" judgement thrown at her.

I watched Ever walk today and marveled at her strength and balance. She doesn't express pride in the way she acts about walking... it is more a matter-of-fact kind of expression... concentration and determination. She gets ahead of herself a lot, thinking she can go faster than she ought to. I recognize that as something she got from myself.... it can be a difficult trait, but one that is also very rewarding. Pushing oneself is a good thing, in my opinion.
My babies are growing. And even though I am here with them, I feel like I have missed more than I should have. The struggles just don't matter when I look at what I have been missing because I'm not present with the girls everyday. And I hope that I can remember the lesson I've been taught today, especially when the inevitable curve-ball is thrown at me. This time is much too precious.

... and then the road came out of nowhere

Sometimes I watch Teagan leap gracefully from my furniture, nimbly walk along the post fence, and run without tripping, and wonder...
Where the hell did she get that from? I'll admit it; I am probably THE clumsiest person. Ever. I'm so clumsy, things that should make me klutzier actually have a reversed effect on me. Because it is impossible for me to get any less graceful. Take pregnancy for example. I'm like a friggen ballerina the moment I conceive. A very pukey, kill-me-now-I'm-so-tired, whiney ballerina, but a ballerina nonetheless. I actually catch things. YES, AMAZING I KNOW. I can put my shoes on without falling over. And I can walk without damaging much needed appendeges.
I've decided that I'm having at least 20 kids. I'd rather exit this world in the drama of childbirth when my body finally has it than die from blood loss because I tripped into a stopped vehicle and sliced my artery on a Arizona license plate. Why Arizona, you ask? Cuz those damn license plates always do look... sharp. Minnesota plates are all wore down from salt. Arizona ones.. they are like razor blades having never been ravaged by an actual winter.  Machetes. Thirsting for my blood.
Ok, no more coffee for me!

So I'm walking. OH MY GOD. Yes, scary I know. Seriously, how DARE I walk? Who DOES that anyway?

So I'm walking, and just barely trip. Barely. It didn't even slow me down. I felt my toe scrape across the pavement, but completely ignored it. I mean, a scraped toe? PUH-LEASE. Not even worth a look, right?

Except that a scraped toe in my world equals OMG I THINK I NEED A BLOOD TRANSFUSION. It was ridiculous the amount of blood that came out of my body through the scrape. On my toe. Yeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaahhhhh.

So, with my toe stinking to my crocs (yes I wear crocs. And yes, I acutally wore them in public. With jeans and a respectable shirt. And the crocs are ORANGE. Oh the horror!) I walked into the public health office. And for some reason, I found this completely humorous.

Anyways, after having my heart restarted and a blood transfusion done, I threw a bandaid on the damn toe and forgot about it.
Well, for a few hours anyway.
When I got home later, my toe started to whine a bit. Nothing I couldn't handle. I specialize in working with whiny-ness, let-me-tell-you. So I ignored it, cuz that's what you do with whining. Ignore it.

After... 20 seconds of this whining, it got louder. And louder. And then all the sudden... I couldn't think. I couldn't type. I couldn't read. I couldn't watch t.v. And I couldn't talk straight.  Who knew that your brain functions are directly linked to toe health? Huh.

So I finally took the damn bandaid off and paid attention to the little whiner. And realized that my little scrape had turned into a nasty infection.
Seriously? Seriously. Seriously!
*sigh*
I cleaned it up, and it is doing fine now, thanks for asking.
(Of freaking course it is... it was JUST A SCRAPE! Infection should never be an issue with JUST A SCRAPE. I'm pretty sure my body hates me.)

So, toe crisis over, I return to my daily activities... like cleaning my fridge. OMG NO SHE DIDN'T. Yes, how DARE I clean my fridge? Who DOES that anyway?
I get the big glass shelf out of my fridge, and clean it up so it's nice and shiny. Kind of like an Arizona licence plate.
See where I'm going with this?
And as I'm putting it back into my fridge, I drop it a bit. On the inside of my ankle... the corner of the glass stabbing right into it.
And it hurt. Really. bad. And it required me to look at it, unlike my toe.  And I did. And it looked fine. Just a small dent, a small bruise. In a few seconds, the pain subsided considerably, and I went about my business once again. But as the day progressed, my ankle started to swell. And hurt. A lot.

And so I'm going into the doctor tomorrow. Lovely. All because I cleaned my fridge.