Rough

Today was a rough day. The girl I've been doing daycare for didn't pay me this morning like she said she would. I'm not really surprised. She hasn't been reliable at all so far, and I am relieved I am not watching her kids anymore. Things didn't end on such a good note with us, and although I do care for her and her children, I'm pretty fed up with all of it right now. $110 and many hours of my time not only watching her children, but being completely exhausted, taken advantage of, worried, and stressed.... all gone. Lovely.

Secondly, I talked to J. today. I haven't in a LONG time. I've been getting better about calling him. The calls never amount to anything but heartache, so I've stopped allowing phone calls. Today, with my mom and I fighting, daycare girl screwing me, and numerous other stressors, I broke down. I hate to admit it, but I did. The kids were sleeping and I was sitting alone crying, and I called him. Well, first I called K., but she was sleeping... thought about calling my aunt, but she was out of town... so there go my in-case-of-an-emergency-aka-in-case-you-decide-to-call-J. people. *sigh*
To be fair with myself, I've gone nearly a month without speaking to him on the phone. I think I deserve some credit, eh?

Anyway, it went exactly as it always does. Me hoping he's changed, missed me, missed the girls enough to come home and change his ways, had an epiphany, yaddayaddayadda.
Him being skeptical, vague, belittling, and most painfully of all.... not caring. Not trying. Not coming back. Not loving me. Not missing the girls enough to change.. to come home and be with them. Not willing to sacrifice to come back here.

But I asked him to read a few books for me. We'll see if he does. Their on verbal abuse, so naturally he was skeptical right off the bat. But then I ask myself the question... does it really matter if he does read the books? If he does have the "epiphany"? If he decides he loves me, decides to come back, etc.? Could I take him back? Could I patch up the damage he has done?
I don't know. Would I let him try? At this very moment, I want to say yes. I'm sure my brain will start functioning again tomorrow and that answer will change. Nothing makes me more wishy-washy than dealing with J. *sigh*

So after our conversation, I went over to my moms. I just needed a hug, needed my mommy. I went to give her one, and she started asking me why I was even there.... why I come visit her, etc etc... going back to the fight we had last weekend. I really don't know what to say to her. If I try to explain myself, I end up fighting with her. So I said very little, and gave up trying to get any comfort from her. I just went out with my bunnies and hung out with them for a bit. I wish I could just do bunny stuff all day lately. It relaxes me so much, and gives me something to look forward to. Hopefully I will someday soon have my own place, with my own bunnies that Teagan, Ever, and I can show together. Hopefully someday isn't too far away.

Then my friend L. called. She is in the hospital with a kidney infection. Like that isn't bad enough, she is being battered verbally by some ignorant, chauvinistic OB because he found out she's planning on having a homebirth. Again, lovely. This man is entirely lucky I'm not there. He might just wish he was equipped like a woman when I was through with his "manliness".

Also, my father has dropped off the face of the planet. He must have a new girl he's seeing.

And...... my brother is still in jail. He was supposed to get out today, but has a warrant in another county. He missed his court date because he was in jail here. It's never-ending for him. He cried a lot today. I hope he finally learns his lesson though. Please let this be his rock bottom.

Overall, a really crappy day, even though the weather was beautiful.. a perfect, fall-ish day. I'm looking forward to more with this sort of weather. And hopefully today's weather portends a better emotional day for me tomorrow.

Starting over again...

So.
Hi again :) I'm back! Things have been hectic around here for awhile, and keeping up on the blog just didn't make it onto the list of priorities. I'm back to being able to take some "me" time (thanks to flylady!) and thought I'd like to start posting here again. Ah.... I love to write!

So here's some updates:
The girls are doing really well. Teagan is starting to sight-read. She knows many common words; mama, baby, Everleigh, Teagan, Jacob, etc. She also is learning phonics. She can figure out what a word starts with by saying it out loud, and loves to come up with words that start with __ . She continues to amaze me everyday.

Everleigh is walking now! She is just getting her 5th tooth as well. She cut down on nursing just enough lately to let AF come back. (UGH! But maybe she'll pick back up and it will go away again.. a girl can hope!) She can say some words, like mama, deda (what she calls Teagan), hi, byebye, kitty, niy-niy (boobie), gentle, eye, and a few others every once in awhile. She also signs drink, eat, more, and up. Her sign for "up" is so cute.. she puts her palms up in front of her and shrugs her shoulders... usually wrinkling her nose as well. Makes me wanna squish her lol!
Ever is such a happy, loving, cuddly baby. She can also be sassy and outspoken about what she wants. Screaming happens regularly around here... but it has gotten better this last week or so as I learned to give her signs and words before she gets frustrated. She will probably be talking in no time!

I have been struggling physically. It isn't being a single mom, or having two kids, or anything like that that is causing this... though I'm sure doing this completely on my own isn't helping. For awhile, I just put up with it.... but it just got worse. It got to the point that I couldn't take care of my children, myself, and our home without a constant struggle. I did it... and still DO do it... but it is on pure willpower. My body hates me right now, and we still don't know why.

Lyme disease was the first "diagnosis". It has since been dismissed. The story is too long to go into great detail so I'll leave it at that. After doing more tests, they discovered my thymus is still enlarged... in fact, larger than it was before when they found it was enlarged. It's growing, in other words, when it should be shrinking or basically non-existant by this point in my life. The doc wanted to send me to an endocrinologist, but after consulting with several specialists.. who are wondering if I don't have cancer... they are now sending me to an oncologist September 9th.

I am scared. When they thought I had cancer back in '05, I wasn't scared at all. I hardly worried about it and had faith that I would be fine.
This time... notsomuch. I'm trying to keep my worries at bay, but with the way I feel... the way I struggle... I am constantly being reminded of them.
I keep saying to myself "Only worry about what is in front of you", but I still find myself asking the what ifs.
What if it IS cancer? How am I going to do all this? How will I be able to take care of my girls on my own? How will I go back to work? Go back to school? Afford running to and from the cancer clinic? Afford my medications? Afford.. anything? We barely make it as is.... being sick would throw a huge wrench into the budget and leave us drowning. I cannot depend on anyone for financial support. J. only helps with what is forced from him, my mom is as poor as me, and my dad... well, he *could* in theory. But so far he hasn't nor do I expect him to help. I wanted to get my CNA and start working in a few months, once Ever is a year old. Right now, that is impossible. How long am I going to feel this way?

Even though the what ifs catch up with me once in awhile, overall I'm ok. I think we will be fine.. we will make it. Things will be tough, but somehow, we will pull through. I know we will. There is no other option in my mind. I WILL pull us through this. Alone, if I must.

For them.