Rough

Today was a rough day. The girl I've been doing daycare for didn't pay me this morning like she said she would. I'm not really surprised. She hasn't been reliable at all so far, and I am relieved I am not watching her kids anymore. Things didn't end on such a good note with us, and although I do care for her and her children, I'm pretty fed up with all of it right now. $110 and many hours of my time not only watching her children, but being completely exhausted, taken advantage of, worried, and stressed.... all gone. Lovely.

Secondly, I talked to J. today. I haven't in a LONG time. I've been getting better about calling him. The calls never amount to anything but heartache, so I've stopped allowing phone calls. Today, with my mom and I fighting, daycare girl screwing me, and numerous other stressors, I broke down. I hate to admit it, but I did. The kids were sleeping and I was sitting alone crying, and I called him. Well, first I called K., but she was sleeping... thought about calling my aunt, but she was out of town... so there go my in-case-of-an-emergency-aka-in-case-you-decide-to-call-J. people. *sigh*
To be fair with myself, I've gone nearly a month without speaking to him on the phone. I think I deserve some credit, eh?

Anyway, it went exactly as it always does. Me hoping he's changed, missed me, missed the girls enough to come home and change his ways, had an epiphany, yaddayaddayadda.
Him being skeptical, vague, belittling, and most painfully of all.... not caring. Not trying. Not coming back. Not loving me. Not missing the girls enough to change.. to come home and be with them. Not willing to sacrifice to come back here.

But I asked him to read a few books for me. We'll see if he does. Their on verbal abuse, so naturally he was skeptical right off the bat. But then I ask myself the question... does it really matter if he does read the books? If he does have the "epiphany"? If he decides he loves me, decides to come back, etc.? Could I take him back? Could I patch up the damage he has done?
I don't know. Would I let him try? At this very moment, I want to say yes. I'm sure my brain will start functioning again tomorrow and that answer will change. Nothing makes me more wishy-washy than dealing with J. *sigh*

So after our conversation, I went over to my moms. I just needed a hug, needed my mommy. I went to give her one, and she started asking me why I was even there.... why I come visit her, etc etc... going back to the fight we had last weekend. I really don't know what to say to her. If I try to explain myself, I end up fighting with her. So I said very little, and gave up trying to get any comfort from her. I just went out with my bunnies and hung out with them for a bit. I wish I could just do bunny stuff all day lately. It relaxes me so much, and gives me something to look forward to. Hopefully I will someday soon have my own place, with my own bunnies that Teagan, Ever, and I can show together. Hopefully someday isn't too far away.

Then my friend L. called. She is in the hospital with a kidney infection. Like that isn't bad enough, she is being battered verbally by some ignorant, chauvinistic OB because he found out she's planning on having a homebirth. Again, lovely. This man is entirely lucky I'm not there. He might just wish he was equipped like a woman when I was through with his "manliness".

Also, my father has dropped off the face of the planet. He must have a new girl he's seeing.

And...... my brother is still in jail. He was supposed to get out today, but has a warrant in another county. He missed his court date because he was in jail here. It's never-ending for him. He cried a lot today. I hope he finally learns his lesson though. Please let this be his rock bottom.

Overall, a really crappy day, even though the weather was beautiful.. a perfect, fall-ish day. I'm looking forward to more with this sort of weather. And hopefully today's weather portends a better emotional day for me tomorrow.