Hi again :) I'm back! Things have been hectic around here for awhile, and keeping up on the blog just didn't make it onto the list of priorities. I'm back to being able to take some "me" time (thanks to flylady!) and thought I'd like to start posting here again. Ah.... I love to write!
So here's some updates:
The girls are doing really well. Teagan is starting to sight-read. She knows many common words; mama, baby, Everleigh, Teagan, Jacob, etc. She also is learning phonics. She can figure out what a word starts with by saying it out loud, and loves to come up with words that start with __ . She continues to amaze me everyday.
Everleigh is walking now! She is just getting her 5th tooth as well. She cut down on nursing just enough lately to let AF come back. (UGH! But maybe she'll pick back up and it will go away again.. a girl can hope!) She can say some words, like mama, deda (what she calls Teagan), hi, byebye, kitty, niy-niy (boobie), gentle, eye, and a few others every once in awhile. She also signs drink, eat, more, and up. Her sign for "up" is so cute.. she puts her palms up in front of her and shrugs her shoulders... usually wrinkling her nose as well. Makes me wanna squish her lol!
Ever is such a happy, loving, cuddly baby. She can also be sassy and outspoken about what she wants. Screaming happens regularly around here... but it has gotten better this last week or so as I learned to give her signs and words before she gets frustrated. She will probably be talking in no time!
I have been struggling physically. It isn't being a single mom, or having two kids, or anything like that that is causing this... though I'm sure doing this completely on my own isn't helping. For awhile, I just put up with it.... but it just got worse. It got to the point that I couldn't take care of my children, myself, and our home without a constant struggle. I did it... and still DO do it... but it is on pure willpower. My body hates me right now, and we still don't know why.
Lyme disease was the first "diagnosis". It has since been dismissed. The story is too long to go into great detail so I'll leave it at that. After doing more tests, they discovered my thymus is still enlarged... in fact, larger than it was before when they found it was enlarged. It's growing, in other words, when it should be shrinking or basically non-existant by this point in my life. The doc wanted to send me to an endocrinologist, but after consulting with several specialists.. who are wondering if I don't have cancer... they are now sending me to an oncologist September 9th.
I am scared. When they thought I had cancer back in '05, I wasn't scared at all. I hardly worried about it and had faith that I would be fine.
This time... notsomuch. I'm trying to keep my worries at bay, but with the way I feel... the way I struggle... I am constantly being reminded of them.
I keep saying to myself "Only worry about what is in front of you", but I still find myself asking the what ifs.
What if it IS cancer? How am I going to do all this? How will I be able to take care of my girls on my own? How will I go back to work? Go back to school? Afford running to and from the cancer clinic? Afford my medications? Afford.. anything? We barely make it as is.... being sick would throw a huge wrench into the budget and leave us drowning. I cannot depend on anyone for financial support. J. only helps with what is forced from him, my mom is as poor as me, and my dad... well, he *could* in theory. But so far he hasn't nor do I expect him to help. I wanted to get my CNA and start working in a few months, once Ever is a year old. Right now, that is impossible. How long am I going to feel this way?
Even though the what ifs catch up with me once in awhile, overall I'm ok. I think we will be fine.. we will make it. Things will be tough, but somehow, we will pull through. I know we will. There is no other option in my mind. I WILL pull us through this. Alone, if I must.
For them.
No comments:
Post a Comment