They were pissed-off tears

I had my oncology appointment today. The doc came in, sat down, went over a bit of my healthy history, and said "Your thymus is fine. It isn't cancerous. You don't have thymoma or lymphoma from what I can see".

Which is great! Ok! My thymus growing is nothing to worry about... just a benign thing that happens sometimes. Awesome.

However, I still feel like shit. And I tell him so. And he asks me a few more questions and tells me what tests he'd like to run. Except that all the ones he mentions have already been done. So he throws up his hands and says "I've got nothing then. If you go to another doc, they'll tell you chronic fatigue or fibromyalgia. But I think you are perfectly healthy."

Yup. I'm the f-ing picture of health. I can't exercise because my energy levels completely crash afterwards. For days afterwards, I struggle to take a shower and make my kids meals. I am also a 23 year old that has a hard time walking up and down her stairs because of how bad her joints hurt. I physically can't keep up, and I run on sheer willpower 80-90% of the time. I have obvious, embarrassing hormone issues.

Yes, I'm perfectly healthy. For a 90 year old.

I argue this point with him for a minute, and realize, as he becomes condescending and looks like he wants to pat me on the head, that my voice is once again going unheard.

And then the tears came. The pissed-off ones that burn all the way down your face? Yeah, those. And I squeeze my eyes shut and will the tears away. I WILL NOT cry in front of this ass. That's all I need.


I let him finish his babbling and resist the urge to trip him and strangle him with his stethoscope. 'Cuz I'd rather not be put in prison in my current condition. And that was the only reason I could come up with at the time.

I came home and of course called H, A, and K. Heh. HAK.Oh, they'll love this ;)
What would I do without them? They are the greatest friends that anyone could hope for. They believe me, sympathize, offer support, love, and tears. But mostly, they believe me when I say I am sick. And that is, oddly, one of the most wonderful gifts they have given me. Because I AM physically sick. I am. And nothing is worse than the people I love and the people I need to help me figure this out throwing words like "depression" at me.

THIS IS NOT IN MY HEAD. My head is fine. It is in a good place. Really. So the next time you start to even THINK depression.. please stop. Please. I've been there, done that. I KNOW what depression is. It sucks, possibly even sucks as bad as this. But THIS doesn't = depression. K? K.

***brief interlude while that sinks in. Real deep.Keep letting it sink in... Deep enough now? Good***

Now that we've got THAT cleared up...
So I make myself a new appointment with Dr.STD (heh, Small Town Doc) for next Tuesday. Please pray for some answers!